I guess it's about time...

I have been putting this post off for a while. And I don't know if it will come off the way I want it to. I've thought so much about it and battled with it intensely, so please read on with an open mind and a soft heart... P.S.--it's a long one!

We've struggled significantly the last few years in our efforts to have more children--as I said in my gratitude post back in November, I've had 3 miscarriages in 3 years, with months and months of negative pregnancy tests in between each one. This trial has taken me on a journey I never dreamed I would travel--one with many questions and few answers, one of broken dreams and bitter hearts, one filled with doubt and fear, insecurity and defiance. To say that I struggled with grace and with faith would be a lie... It has been the greatest challenge of my life so far! But I have learned and grown so much emotionally and spiritually that I would never wish this time away. Among those many things, I have learned where my weaknesses (and strengths!) are, where I should turn and where I should not turn in times of trial, and I have truly learned what a gift each and every day is--with all its roller coasters and beautiful vistas. I have learned to be more sensitive to others in their challenges, to be a more sympathetic listener and a less judgmental friend. This experience has opened my eyes wider than they were before, and for that I will be forever grateful!

When I wrote that post back at Thanksgiving, I had come to a new place in this "education-by-fire". Earlier in the fall, I had listened to a profound talk at church by a faithful young mother about turning to the Lord in times of trial. It affected me deeply and was just what I needed to hear at the time--it kicked me into high gear and I made some big changes. I stopped taking a pregnancy test every month, we finally put away the nursery furniture (which had been filling up an empty bedroom for 3 years!), and for the first time I felt truly at peace in my heart. I was finally happy with where I was... Isn't it sad that I wasn't before? Oh well, I am being honest, and it's all part of the process... right?

I had spent lots of 2009 undergoing invasive and frustrating infertility tests, and each time the doctors had no answers or explanations for me--so I quit going. In November, Jeremy encouraged me to go back and finish my work-up, mostly so that I could just mentally close that chapter of my life officially and MOVE ON! I made the appointment, went in a little begrudgingly and sat there while they again told me there was nothing visibly wrong with my body and they didn't know what to tell me. The RN looking through my paperwork noticed that one test had come back inconclusive, so she asked if I would go down to the lab and get my blood drawn just one more time. I thought, "What can it hurt?" and did what she said. That afternoon, the doctor called me and said that whatever they were testing for came back negative (duh!), but that it came back positive for HCG, and did I know what that meant? "You're pregnant," she said, "Congratulations!" As she talked, the whirlwind of thoughts began... Didn't she know just by looking at my charts that this meant nothing to me? That it always ended the same way and I thought I was DONE with this??? It was only a matter of time before...

And then a little voice said, "Karen, this is your test. Are you really going to make all these changes you've been talking about, or did you just want to because it sounded nice at the time? Are you going to approach this with fear and doubt again, or will you fight that fear with FAITH? Will you turn to the Lord instead of turning away? Here's your chance, girl... Show me where your heart is. Show me what you've learned through all of this."

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.” (Eleanor Roosevelt)

So I've spent the last 4 months learning to fight fear with FAITH. Each week that passes is another little miracle for me... physically and spiritually. Faith doesn't win every day, but it wins on most days and that's definitely progress for me!

"Our Heavenly Father's greatest hope is that through our fears we may choose to turn to Him. The uncertainties of earth life can help to remind each of us that we are dependent on Him. But that reminder is not automatic. It involves our agency. We must choose to take our fears to Him, choose to trust Him, and choose to allow Him to direct us. We must make these choices when what we feel most inclined to do is to rely more and more on our own frantic and often distorted thinking." (Virginia Hinckley Pearce)

This could quite possibly be the strangest pregnancy announcement you've (or I've!) ever read on a blog, but it's what's in my heart and I hope that's OK :o) Tomorrow I will be 21 weeks. We found out this week that we're having a GIRL, and I am finally feeling like the whole thing is actually really going to happen! My ultrasound looked great, and the baby looks healthy and active. Due date is August 14th, the same day as Bennett's due date 9 years ago. There will be a 7-year gap between Ethan and the baby--not what I would have planned--but it's what Heavenly Father's planned, so that's good enough for me :o) And this baby will come home to more love than she knows what to do with!

I know there are many of you who struggle in this area of family growing. You are why I've hesitated to post this in the first place. I know how hard it is to hear or read someone's pregnancy announcement--they would knock me back for days sometimes... I am so sorry if it hurts when you read this. I am praying that, instead, it gives you HOPE.

"Once you choose hope, anything is possible!" (A great quote I keep up in my room where I can see it all the time :o)

I hope that somehow you can see, through my experience, that Heavenly Father loves you and knows you and wants to bless you--and that often those blessings come in different ways than we thought they would or wanted them to. The Lord's timing is so not ours... but it's so much better. And if we can learn to truly trust in Him--to give Him our schedule and our timetable and our hearts--and know that He can do more with them than we can, then we can live each day filled with faith and peace.

"... Faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith." Ether 12:6

**As a sidenote, here are some really great talks I've read that have helped me tremendously. No matter what your challenges are, these ones will give you encouragement and hope. Enjoy!

-Elder Neal A. Maxwell, "Endure It Well"

-Elder Dallin H. Oaks, "Timing"

-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, "An High Priest of Good Things to Come"

-Elder David A. Bednar, "The Tender Mercies of the Lord"